Simon the Cannibal's Home


I'm Simon the Cannibal, an entertainer, merry-maker, and Generally Gregarious Guy. If you were looking for a brief bio of Simon M. Joseph, please visit for an overview of my professional abilities.

Master of Ceremonies

It is likely that you're here either because you heard of me from reddit or from Frankford Hall's Monthly Board Game Night. If you're interested in the latter, you can find me on the second Tuesday of the month hosting, teaching, and having a great time at Frankford Hall (1210 N Frankford Ave) where we'll have happy hour pricing from 5-10pm. The Hall will be providing a bunch of games which range from the classics (e.g. Chess, Monopoly, Scrabble) to basic modern games (e.g. Settlers of Catan, Carcassonne, Sushi Go, Love Letter). Game night is BYOBG if you're up for something more challenging (Power Grid, Russian Railroads, Game of Thrones 2ed, or my favorite: Die Macher).

If you're interested in my hiring me to host an event, may I present a short story: there I was, in fifth grade, with a major problem. I, wanting to be the center of attention, felt the need to participate in the school talent show. Unfortunately, I, as a fifth-grader, had no notable talent to speak of. The solution? I asked to be the Master of Ceremonies. I did so well they let me MC every talent show for which I was eligible up until high school graduation. I've gone on to host and MC plenty of other events and keep my top hat dusted off just in case something pops up on my calendar. You can reach me at Simon.the.Cannibal [at]

MCing a Halloween Contest

I taught myself how to play the accordion in early 2008 in order to perform with a start-up band, A Cold Porter's Moon; an Irish Rock Coalition! We played around the South Bend (IN) area for about 9 months before I had to leave, but I understand "Boston Shaun" Sweeney is still at it should ever you find yourself in Northern Indiana / Chicago.

That being said, most of the music I know for accordion is Irish Pub Rock (think Flogging Molly, Dropkick Murphy's, Pogues, &c). However, I am classically trained on piano (started in third grade) and band trained on trumpet (fifth grade on that one) - while I'm certainly no Rachmaninoff or Louis Armstrong, I can certainly carry a tune and play back up, should your band or venue require.

Stage & Screen

I've appeared in a number of school drama productions, one production at the South Bend Civic, several student video projects, and one David Lynch send-up. While acting is not my forte, I can certainly add to a production; I've got the basics down and have taken a few classes on acting and improvisation.

If you need someone with a strong stage presence, a booming voice, and some crazy hair, I recommend you look no further.

As Santa

Santa. Jeez oh man. I've played Santa on-and-off since 2005. It all started at one of my father's friend's holiday parties and escalated from there. In the beginning, I rented a beard and a suit - now the beard is my own and dyed white (as seen in the photo above) and the 'suit' is a less traditional, but more flexible amalgam of costume pieces I've come across in my life.

  • The hair dye washes out with soap and water. It takes less time to clean up than it does to get ready.
  • I'm pretty good with kids; there have been no 'accidents' on my watch. I try to give them their space and treat them like little adults.
  • The beard takes about 5 months to get to the size in the photo above. That year was an exception though - I usually only go for 3 months growth.
  • I don't drink or otherwise engage in behavior parents wouldn't want their child to see Santa do... while the kids are still awake.
  • YES! I'll gladly come be Santa for you! You should have figured out my email by now.

Other Endeavors

Aside from all of that, I know a few things in most genres (or... knew them at one time). If you really want to test me, I can give a short lecture connecting any two technologies you care to name. I've given abbreviated tours of Philadelphia, and would gladly do so again. I can juggle, I know some magic tricks, and once upon a time I could Waltz - what more could you ask for?